Something's Gotta Give

I'm always on the go.

When I was little my Mom had a t-shirt made for each of us kids. Mine said "What else can I do?". That statement has pretty much become a motto for me (if you haven't been able to tell already). Throughout my life I have been on the go, and have always tried to do more. The term relax or phrase "take it easy" has never really been in my vocabulary. Why relax when I could go for a run, a hike, a walk, play soccer, or work. Up until today, I have patted myself on the back for being busy and doing it all. I loved bragging that I have 3 jobs, play soccer, and am training for races x, y, and z. When people commented that I did a lot it felt good, I liked that people were amazed that I could juggle it all. But juggling it all isn't always best. 

In retrospect I struggled throughout high school and college because I did try to do too much all the time (go to school, hold a part time job and play a sport - or 2). Yes, I would frequently over-do it and end up with a cold, or end up in tears from trying to do it all and failing (or not doing it to my standards). I look back now and regret working so much and not taking time to be a college kid, have fun with friends, travel, etc. I missed out on a lot, and for what? But as we all know hindsight is 20/20 and the past in the past.

The Plague

What happened to me last week though was something that has never happened to me before and is honestly one of the biggest wake-up calls I have ever had. I got sick. Very sick. It started as a flu with fever and then my throat began to hurt. I was exhausted, couldn't eat, could barely drink and slept a lot. When I went to the doctor they did a strep test, prescribed me antibiotics and sent me home. I was literally lying in bed, dehydrated and feverish. I can seriously and honestly say that I thought I was dying. The antibiotics didn't make me feel any better.

My fever eventually broke and I had enough energy to take a shower and change the sheets on my bed. But - I still was barely drinking anything and not eating. I didn't even want to eat, I wasn't hungry at all. For those of you who know me - I am an eater, I love food. So to have no appetite at all is pretty scary. This past Saturday I ended up in the ER. I had spent the entire night Friday awake, struggling to swallow. I began to cough up mucous that was bloody, and I still felt like death, I honestly thought I had the plague.

Seems about how i felt

The ER doctors did a strep test, negative. They did a mono test, negative. They ended up giving me steroids to reduce the swelling in my throat and sent me home. Later in the day Saturday I did feel much better. But - here I am 6 days later, still not well. I am starting to eat again, but still have no appetite. I lost 9 pounds in 1 week. I get exhausted and winded just walking my dog around the block. The doctors told me it was just a virus and that I needed to let it run its course. Looking at the symptoms I am figuring that the mono test was a false negative.

So here I am. An active woman who is on the go all the time. Who was training for the Vermont City Marathon (which I won't be running this weekend). Who juggles one full time job and three part time jobs. Who goes to boot camp, runs, bikes, swims, plays soccer - is always on the go. Now sidelined in bed, not having the energy to get up and get moving, not being able to eat. So what on earth happened? My body decided, finally, that I needed to stop and rest. And, since I wasn't doing it voluntarily, my body made the choice for me. And now that I am at the mercy of my body. It tells me when I need to slow down. In the afternoons I get really tired and need to go home and rest.

Bib # 2117

Maybe next year

Is this hard? Of course. I am devastated that I can't run in the marathon this weekend. I spent so many hours training and preparing for the race - its hard knowing that physically, even though I am in great shape, my body cannot run 26.2 miles on Sunday.  But I have admittedly b
een through the ringer in 2014. I had switched my work schedule to work 4 day weeks so I could spend time at home with my Dad, who was sick with cancer. I spent almost every Friday, Saturday and Sunday at my parents helping out and spending time with Dad. Then, after a two and half year battle with colon cancer, he died the first week of March. One week later my boyfriend (of a year and a half) and I broke up. In that transition I had to move in with my sister for a period of time. Even with the break-up going on I was still spending time at home with my Mom, working full time, working 2 of my cleaning jobs and training for one of the 6 races I had scheduled this spring.

I can now admit (and realize) that I have been doing too much. I try to do too much. And because of this I am missing out on something that truly meant something to me (the marathon). But, my health means more to me than crossing the finish line Sunday.

So, where do I go from here?

From here I take things one day at a time. I rest when I am tired and I cut back on races and jobs. I am planning on dropping one of my cleaning jobs and working fewer days in my after-school job (which luckily ends in June). I am also not going to fill my calendar with races. I was able to transfer my registration for a triathlon in June to August. Even if it is hard, I am going to relax and take time to do nothing. I don't want to be sick forever, I can't be sick forever. I want to be able to walk my dog, run, compete in triathlons, play soccer and enjoy the outdoors. But I can't do it all.

I am starting to read more about stress and the long term health effects of chronic stress. The last thing I want is to jeopardize my ability to live a long healthy life because I am over-doing it now. I've been reading more about meditation and other stress relieving tactics. Hopefully whatever I learn I can use it to make positive changes in my life.

So, for now my mantra is one step at a time, one day a time.

Just me and my Dad