10 Things...

So, I get inspired at what seems like very odd times and by very odd things. A moment of inspiration for a challenge came to me today. I was on Facebook reading a post my friend AF had just put up. She said that she felt so much better about her body while she was on vacation. She wore a bikini and loved how she looked and felt. When she came home she started to feel worse about herself, nit-pick and obsess over the scale and the reflection she saw in the mirror. All this - even though she weighed exactly what she did on vacation. But, instead of getting down and depressed about it, she decided to take a huge step and not step on the scale all summer! She is going to hide it and go by how she feels, not by a number on the scale. I love this idea! And completely applaud her for challenging herself to throw the scale away!

I would love to take part in this challenge - I need to take part in this challenge, although for me it may start with baby steps. I'll start with a week. I will not step on the scale until next Friday - June 6th! And since this is in writing, and on the internet for all to see - it is pretty official! Hopefully by June 6th I won't feel the need to step on the scale. If that is the case, whoot whoot!

Ugh, my feet are so ugly!

I am completely and utterly guilty of this. I hate my legs, I hate my stomach, my butt is fat, I hate my face, I have a big nose. At times in my life I have been very mean to myself. I have criticized myself for the way I look or my weight. Over the past few years, what I've learned about body shaming is that even if you are trying to lose weight or get in shape, even if you are eating healthy and exercising - if you are mentally beating yourself up and telling yourself negative things, you won't lose the weight. When I lost 25 pounds last year I was positive about my journey. I set a goal (to complete a triathlon) and worked towards it. Yes, I weighed myself every now and then, but I didn't set out to lose weight because I thought I was fat. I set out to live a healthier life and finish that triathlon I signed up for. I was excited about being outside, running, biking and swimming. I enjoyed trying new recipes and eating healthy. The bonus in all that was that I lost weight! But, that it is what it was, a bonus, not the focus.

I still catch myself thinking negative thoughts about my body. We all have bad days. But what I have learned is that to make change you have to think positively and you have to be kind to yourself.

The List

So, back to my inspiration today. I got inspired to challenge myself and my friends on Facebook to write a list of 10 things they love about themselves. The first time I did this was only within the last month. I was having a bad day, was down about my life, being sick, my job, etc. To help get myself out of that rut I made myself think of and write down 10 things I loved about me and made sure that it wasn't completely focused on my body.And you know what? It helped pull me out of my funk that day - it put me in a better mood.

Here are my 2 lists: 

But, why stop at just things you love about yourself. What about your friends, your family, your home? Here is a 5 day challenge for you (don't worry, I am going to do this as well):

10 Things 5-Day Challenge: 

Day 1: Write down 10 things you love about yourself

Day 2: Write 10 things you like/love about a friend (and share them with that friend).

Day 3: Write 10 things you like/love about your home. This can be your actual apartment, house or your town or even state.

Day 4: Write 10 things you like/love about your family (immediate or extended).

Day 5: Write 10 things you like/love about the world.

How do you feel after writing each list? How do you feel at the end of the week? I hope you feel happier and more positive about life. It is easy to get overwhelmed and feel down about things. But during the hard times remember - "this too shall pass", "it could always be worse" and "it might be a bad day, not a bad life".

  So take a deep breath, smile and put one foot in front of the other!

Something's Gotta Give

I'm always on the go.

When I was little my Mom had a t-shirt made for each of us kids. Mine said "What else can I do?". That statement has pretty much become a motto for me (if you haven't been able to tell already). Throughout my life I have been on the go, and have always tried to do more. The term relax or phrase "take it easy" has never really been in my vocabulary. Why relax when I could go for a run, a hike, a walk, play soccer, or work. Up until today, I have patted myself on the back for being busy and doing it all. I loved bragging that I have 3 jobs, play soccer, and am training for races x, y, and z. When people commented that I did a lot it felt good, I liked that people were amazed that I could juggle it all. But juggling it all isn't always best. 

In retrospect I struggled throughout high school and college because I did try to do too much all the time (go to school, hold a part time job and play a sport - or 2). Yes, I would frequently over-do it and end up with a cold, or end up in tears from trying to do it all and failing (or not doing it to my standards). I look back now and regret working so much and not taking time to be a college kid, have fun with friends, travel, etc. I missed out on a lot, and for what? But as we all know hindsight is 20/20 and the past in the past.

The Plague

What happened to me last week though was something that has never happened to me before and is honestly one of the biggest wake-up calls I have ever had. I got sick. Very sick. It started as a flu with fever and then my throat began to hurt. I was exhausted, couldn't eat, could barely drink and slept a lot. When I went to the doctor they did a strep test, prescribed me antibiotics and sent me home. I was literally lying in bed, dehydrated and feverish. I can seriously and honestly say that I thought I was dying. The antibiotics didn't make me feel any better.

My fever eventually broke and I had enough energy to take a shower and change the sheets on my bed. But - I still was barely drinking anything and not eating. I didn't even want to eat, I wasn't hungry at all. For those of you who know me - I am an eater, I love food. So to have no appetite at all is pretty scary. This past Saturday I ended up in the ER. I had spent the entire night Friday awake, struggling to swallow. I began to cough up mucous that was bloody, and I still felt like death, I honestly thought I had the plague.

Seems about how i felt

The ER doctors did a strep test, negative. They did a mono test, negative. They ended up giving me steroids to reduce the swelling in my throat and sent me home. Later in the day Saturday I did feel much better. But - here I am 6 days later, still not well. I am starting to eat again, but still have no appetite. I lost 9 pounds in 1 week. I get exhausted and winded just walking my dog around the block. The doctors told me it was just a virus and that I needed to let it run its course. Looking at the symptoms I am figuring that the mono test was a false negative.

So here I am. An active woman who is on the go all the time. Who was training for the Vermont City Marathon (which I won't be running this weekend). Who juggles one full time job and three part time jobs. Who goes to boot camp, runs, bikes, swims, plays soccer - is always on the go. Now sidelined in bed, not having the energy to get up and get moving, not being able to eat. So what on earth happened? My body decided, finally, that I needed to stop and rest. And, since I wasn't doing it voluntarily, my body made the choice for me. And now that I am at the mercy of my body. It tells me when I need to slow down. In the afternoons I get really tired and need to go home and rest.

Bib # 2117

Maybe next year

Is this hard? Of course. I am devastated that I can't run in the marathon this weekend. I spent so many hours training and preparing for the race - its hard knowing that physically, even though I am in great shape, my body cannot run 26.2 miles on Sunday.  But I have admittedly b
een through the ringer in 2014. I had switched my work schedule to work 4 day weeks so I could spend time at home with my Dad, who was sick with cancer. I spent almost every Friday, Saturday and Sunday at my parents helping out and spending time with Dad. Then, after a two and half year battle with colon cancer, he died the first week of March. One week later my boyfriend (of a year and a half) and I broke up. In that transition I had to move in with my sister for a period of time. Even with the break-up going on I was still spending time at home with my Mom, working full time, working 2 of my cleaning jobs and training for one of the 6 races I had scheduled this spring.

I can now admit (and realize) that I have been doing too much. I try to do too much. And because of this I am missing out on something that truly meant something to me (the marathon). But, my health means more to me than crossing the finish line Sunday.

So, where do I go from here?

From here I take things one day at a time. I rest when I am tired and I cut back on races and jobs. I am planning on dropping one of my cleaning jobs and working fewer days in my after-school job (which luckily ends in June). I am also not going to fill my calendar with races. I was able to transfer my registration for a triathlon in June to August. Even if it is hard, I am going to relax and take time to do nothing. I don't want to be sick forever, I can't be sick forever. I want to be able to walk my dog, run, compete in triathlons, play soccer and enjoy the outdoors. But I can't do it all.

I am starting to read more about stress and the long term health effects of chronic stress. The last thing I want is to jeopardize my ability to live a long healthy life because I am over-doing it now. I've been reading more about meditation and other stress relieving tactics. Hopefully whatever I learn I can use it to make positive changes in my life.

So, for now my mantra is one step at a time, one day a time.

Just me and my Dad

What a Difference a Year Makes..

 It is crazy to me to see how much your life and circumstances can change in a year. Just like the old saying about Vermont... "if you don't like the weather, wait 5 minutes" your life can change in the blink of an eye, for good or bad. In my situation, I have gone through very good times this past year and some very hard times as well.

Starting on a Positive Note

One year ago on April 1st I took my first step toward in living a healthier life. That day I started using a fitness journal in which I tracked my daily workouts. Looking back, it was my first day in the pool and the start of my triathalon training. I swam 2000 yards and loved every minute of it (I think it was my first time in a pool since high school). From there you can tell that I was motivated and working hard toward my goal, with many days of dual workouts. I must've been doing well as the record of my weight was dropping steadily.

Throughout the year my fitness journal shows how motivation waxes and wanes, the times when I was overwhelmed with work or coaching, and times I was burnt out from all the races. You can also tell when the holiday's rolled around and when the weather must've been too awful to go outside. Lord knows that my journal doesn't show consistency or perfection, it shows hard work, the ability to pick myself and keep going, also dedication and love for getting out and moving.

Hard Times

just me and my dad

Like I said above, life can change in the blink of an eye. These changes can be for good or for bad. This year I had a lot of things happen. My father passed away on March 4th after a two and a half year battle with cancer, he was only 59. It was hard to see him slowly deteriorate, but in the end it was almost a relief. On a positive note I got to spend a lot of time with him in his last months and will always remember all the good times we shared together. He is one of the reasons I am who I am today. I wouldn't ask for another Dad.

Shortly after that my boyfriend and I broke up. It was also very hard, but necessary for me. With that come added financial pressure of being in an apartment with one other person instead of two. I missed two half marathons this spring because of injury. I will admit that I was very angry at myself for both of these. I blamed myself, I blamed my body. But obviously what is meant to be is meant to be. I am doing my best not to dwell on the bad things, but instead focus on the good things like; completing my first triathalon, breaking the two hour mark in a half marathon and being less than one month away from my first full marathon! With the bad comes good and also lessons to be learned about yourself.

What I've Learned About Me

One of the biggest things I have learned about myself over the past year is that I am not perfect (Eek! Really? Say it ain't so!). Seriously, I'm not. I know, I know - what an amazing revelation. My imperfection can be seen in the lack of consistency in my workouts, my ever-changing eating habits and fluctuating weight.

The second biggest thing I have learned about myself, is that sometimes I just need to give myself a break. I often tend to beat myself up over diet, exercise and life choices I've made. There are times when tough love is necessary, but other times when I just need to forgive myself and eat the piece of chocolate cake.

The third thing I've learned (there has to be a third, right?) is that for me, exercising, running, continually moving is what keeps me sane. On the days when I don't feel like running, I should be. Running clears my head, allows me to think and allows me to get out all the negative thoughts and negative energy. As much as I love running with friends, running alone is good for me. I have had so many moments in the past year, moments of frustration, anger, depression, confusion that could have been remedied (even partially) with a run or a bike ride or even a long walk with my dog.

For me movement, exercise and sweat are essential to my happiness. With that in mind I need to listen to my body more. When I get cranky I shouldn't plop myself in front of the TV and grab a bag of chips, I should lace up and go for a run. The issue now isn't should I go for a run? It is telling myself that I have to go for a run. That I am not tired and the couch is not my friend. Because honestly, the couch is not going to help me to complete an Ironman. I need to listen to the voice in my head (no matter how timid and quiet it is that day) that says, "Gwen, get up off your ass and run!"